


An Abrupt and Alternative Adieu

by intothecest



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Ending, Arguably PG Rated But For The Relationship, F/M, Incest, Nothing Explicit At Any Rate, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 17:30:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14337516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intothecest/pseuds/intothecest
Summary: It might comfort you to believe the story contained herein is only a fanfiction, a made-up tale some well-meaning but troubled individual with odd ideas about acceptable romantic pairings wrote about the disturbing situation they imagined the Baudelaire orphans finally ended up in.  Or indeed, to believe that perhaps I am writing to you from some completely alternative universe as proposed by the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, in which every outcome, no matter how unusual, exists in some universe.  Yet I have dedicated myself to telling their story, and have always held to the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics, even if some alternate version of me might not, and so I must consider this story the true conclusion to this series of unfortunate events.  But, as always, you do not have to read it.





	An Abrupt and Alternative Adieu

There is a phenomenon where various fans devoted to a popular work of fiction, such as a novel or television series, will write unauthorized stories called “fanfiction,” which invents new scenes or occasionally is set in entirely alternate worlds where things happened differently. Sometimes the writer is extremely familiar with the original work, in others they’ve only, say, seen the series and not the presumably excellent books the series is based on, and they might not care how the story actually turns out, but are interested in an imagined moment, preferred ending, or a series of unofficial events that tickles their fancy or satisfies their various freakish desires. Sometimes these fanfics writers may even do an earnest attempt to mimic the feel and style of the originating work in an attempt at authenticity, although how successful they were must be left to the judgement of the reader, but the reader shouldn’t set their expectations too high, particularly when the fanfiction author hasn’t read the original books and their idea has probably already been done to death by more ardent fans.

These “fanfics” often begin with an elaborate disclaimer that may include lines like _“This is not authorized by the author, publisher or production company,”_ and/or _“This is just for fun,”_ and/or _“Please don’t sue,”_ and/or _“The characters have been aged up a few years and I’ve only seen up until episode eight and this story unapologetically ignores any canon after that,”_ and/or _“And again, please, for the love of God, don’t sue.”_ Some of these authors have also been known to use their disclaimer to beg for comments, reposts, and other meaningless signs of internet approval that might require only a simple click of a button with a heart-shape on it, and that begging might _seem_ shameless but they often put a lot of work into these works and rarely get a compensatory level of acknowledgement. 

Of course, as the tale of the Baudelaire orphans is not a fiction, none of this applies and you will find no such disclaimer here. Still, if the story’s conclusion, which you are about to read, is particularly troubling, as I warned you it would be, you can console yourself with the comforting lie that it is in fact merely one of these fanfictions, perhaps titled:

* * *

# An Abrupt and Alternative Adieu

* * *

The four stepped out of a very fine day and into a building that was dim, and dusty from disuse, but not fundamentally depressing. "So this is our new home?" Violet asked as the three Baudelaire orphans looked around at the foyer with anticipation and, so far, seeing only the good. Unlike many of their previous homes since their parents perished in a fire, this one was small and even the foyer was adorned with books. _Adorned_ , of course, meaning _"made more beautiful or attractive."_ If you don’t think putting shelves full of books in a foyer makes it more attractive then you probably haven’t read enough of them, a sad condition that can be improved by, first, adorning the room you’re in with books and, second, taking advantage of the fact that they’re nearby. 

The banker, Mr. Poe, also looked around the premises, but with something that was less like anticipation and more like disdain, because he was in fact someone who had not read enough books. "The deposit cleared, so, yes, for now. It fits the requirements you outlined. It has a large library, a workshop, and a kitchen. In the back, the hedge-maze labyrinth contains a secret garden full of hard root vegetables. The building also meets all fire safety codes and apparently contains a panic room with a hidden entrance that even I don’t know about. It’s yours if you want it, and you can stay here tonight. All that remains before making it permanently yours is signing the final paperwork Mr. Babbitt, the realtor, will be bringing over tomorrow…” He put on a sorrowful face, like one wears when they have to deliver bad news, and added, “…except, I’m sorry, but I don’t think you actually want to stay, much less live… here.” 

Violet looked up in alarm. “No? Is there something wrong with the house, Mr. Poe?”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s a fine house, if you were to live here alone, Violet. But, you see… I’m certain you didn’t think of it when you listed your requirements, but I realized this morning that there’s only two bedrooms, and with three of you sharing it, it might be needlessly cramped. I mean, now that you’ve been emancipated and have access to your vast fortune, doubtlessly you have many other options. You could easily buy a much larger house than this.”

Klaus, ignoring the banker’s concerns entirely, immediately went to the first bookshelf on the left of the foyer and now excitedly selected one of the very first books, which was titled _Ada_ , by Vladimir Nabokov. He considered that to be a very auspicious sign, _auspicious_ being a word which means _“favorable, or conducive to success.”_ What was not quite so auspicious was that whoever stocked the shelves employed the unusual technique of arranging books alphabetically by title and not by author, which was inefficient but certainly preferable to the prospect of them being arranged by author and simply lacking any authors with last names beginning with _A_ through _M_. Klaus, who had been experimenting with optimism again, chose to ignore the unusual categorization policy and the work he would one day need to put everything in proper order, and instead view the almost random selection of this particular volume as auspicious, being very familiar with the contents. He showed the cover to his sister, who smiled, nodded, and then said to Mr. Poe, “No, I think this house will be just fine. Besides, we’ve had our fill of large houses. Something small, cozy, and filled with the people we love is more our speed.”

“Are you sure? With only two bedrooms you and your sister will have to share…”

“Oh, no, Sunny will have her own room, of course. Klaus and I will share the master bedroom.”

Mr. Poe drew back in surprise. "Really? Wouldn’t that be awkward? Undressing and such?" 

"It won’t be awkward.”

Mr. Poe considered this very deeply. "Well, I suppose you could work a second bed in there and hang a privacy drape of some sort. But honestly, I highly suggest you find a larger place, or you can buy the house next door and be neighbors. Or, perhaps, Violet, you could send your brother off to another prestigious boarding school, as is your right now, and make other arrangements for him later."

Violet shook her head casually, but spoke firmly. "I’m not doing that. He stays with me, under the same roof as long as he wishes. And this house is just perfect for us, Mr. Poe. Thank you for your assistance in this matter.” Specifying _"this matter"_ instead of thanking the well-meaning banker for all of his attempted assistance over the last few turbulent years, was a very diplomatic way for Violet to say, _“You’ve finally done something right.”_

The banker paused, looked around as though they might be overheard, which didn’t seem possible in such a small enclosed foyer (and yet, entire chronicles of people’s lives, including the events of small enclosed rooms, are occasionally narrated with presumed complete accuracy). Satisfied that nobody seemed to be around, he then pitched his voice lower as though telling secrets. "I realize you and your brother are very close, but I must warn you, now that you’re legally an adult, sharing a home, much less a room, with a sibling is going to look… funny. People might even say it seems a little… incestuous." Mr. Poe coughed and then added, " _Incestuous_ means _like an inappropriate sexual relationship between people who are related by blood_ …“ 

The two older orphans interrupted in unison, a phrase which means _"at the same time,"_ or, _"as if they were one person,"_ and both said, "We know what _incestuous_ means.”

Klaus added, “We’ve known for some time in fact.”

He and his sister exchanged another look, a naughty smile, a little blush formed on their cheeks, and then Violet continued, “But the fact remains that my brother and I have taken care of each other since our parents’ death and there’s no reason for that to change. We will live together, the rest of our lives if we so choose.” 

Sunny, in the years since this sorry story began, now spoke fairly regularly in complete sentences, albeit usually in languages that most people in a given room did not speak, aside from her siblings who were very fluent dialogists in several languages. The youngest Baudelaire chose that moment to speak up and say, _“Honi soit qui mal y pense,”_ a phrase in French which, loosely translated, means, _“Shame be to him who thinks evil of it,”_ and, even more loosely translated, meant, _“My brother and sister’s romantic relationship may be forbidden by the world, but the world is largely a terrible, unfair place full of dastardly villains, and I vow that if you try to stop them from carving out a little piece of happiness in it with love then I will judge you one of those villains and treat you accordingly.”_ One could dare to even translate more loosely to something like, _“I want an adorably smart niece or nephew to hang out with and if you get in the way of that I will tear out your jugular with my teeth,”_ for Sunny, after suffering through far too many instances as a hostage, had begun to develop a disturbing tendency to use her remarkable teeth in direct defense of her family, and also a taste, although thankfully not yet a preference, for softer foods… but this story has contained enough blood and violence and material inappropriate for children and I can’t in good conscience contribute any more through translation.

Mr. Poe, of course, understood none of this, nor the look that Violet and Klaus had exchanged, so he just said, “Well, this living arrangement, when you can clearly afford more, is sure to cause some whispers and rumors but, on the other hand, rich people are assumed to be eccentric anyway, and I’m sure you’ll change your mind in years to come when the difficulties become apparent and people start to mistake you for a romantic couple rather than siblings.”

“They’re not mutually exclusive,” Klaus muttered, staring determinedly at the banker, but Mr. Poe at that precise moment had another coughing fit and apparently did not hear.

When he was done, the man continued speaking to the elder sister, “Besides, I no longer have legal authority to tell you what to do.”

Violet straightened, a little, still unused to but pleased at this relatively new development since her emancipation. "No, you don’t."

He went on, with a real smile, "Or any responsibility to worry about your situation, which, I must say, is a vast relief.” He coughed once more, patted his chest, and from his breast pocket retrieved something. "So, I wish you well, in that abstract nonspecific way that I wish everybody well but no longer have any personal investment outside of certain financial interests. And, speaking of which, here is my card if you should ever need me in that respect." He held it out, stooping over slightly out of courtesy for the much shorter Baudelaires, and added, "Rest assured that for all your future financial needs, _Mulctuary Money Management_ is always willing to assist you.” Nobody seemed inclined to take the card, which left Mr. Poe in an awkward pose for a few equally awkward seconds. 

Klaus finally did take the card to relieve Mr. Poe of the pose and any embarrassment that would have followed from an overt rejection, or the revelation that they’d already begun the paperwork to transition to a different financial institution known for very fair dealings. As the young man put the card in his pocket he subtly crumbled it into a ball. "Goodbye, Mr. Poe," said Violet, and they advanced towards him so that he had to move towards the door to preserve his personal space, and from there, getting the hint, stepped outside of it. 

"Yes, goodbye, Mr. Poe,” Klaus said. 

_“Verpiss dich!”_ Sunny added, and I shall again refrain from offering a translation for that and simply allow the sweet yet insincere smile she wore as she said it speak for itself. 

With that, the Baudelaire orphans both literally and figuratively closed the door on Mr. Poe, and on the rest of the world, and perhaps that makes it the perfect time to figuratively do them the same courtesy. I certainly could continue to relate aspects of their very, frankly, disturbing lives, from the mundane details as Sunny took an ordinary amount of pleasure in playing the music of Tito Puente on the record player she found in the living room, to what happened as her older siblings went on to take an inordinate amount of pleasure in inspecting their new master bedroom, or I could go on to describe the days that followed, but it would involve a great deal of repetition and my publisher would almost certainly reject it, and so it’s best to at this point finally follow my own advice and look away. 

This may seem to you like an abrupt and perhaps unsastifying end, with no thrilling climax–or at least, none that you will get to see. I apologize for that, but things don’t always happen in chronicles of fact like they do in fiction. For that matter, even fiction doesn’t even end the same way as most other fiction… so perhaps it’s more accurate to say that, in both fact and fiction, and for that matter, life, you’re never guaranteed a particular type of ending. Sooner or later you just run out of words, and you don’t always get the magic ones that wrap everything up and answer all your questions. All I will do with my final words is assure you that their sad tale now both continues and concludes with a long life of what many would consider depraved debauchery, a phrase which here means _“happily ever after.”_

##  **The End**


End file.
